Friday, June 23, 2017

Seriously don't die, rule one of marathon training

In rule one of how to survive a marathon we went over an important step hydration and how to avoid buzzards. Before we move onto rule two we really should hit on rule one a little more.

Imagine you are running on the surface of the sun, you thought you brought enough water but your desire to sleep in versus running outside when the temps say 110 is always battling itself. When the alarm so rudely buzzes at like 4 something in the morning when no sane person alive would get up much less get up to run 15-20 miles you turn that little nuisance off. You doze for a few more hours before you finally say well dang it lets get up and try not to die. Somewhere along the way you run out of water and the sun beats down on you and you are pretty sure you are going to die. The vultures and buzzards are following you, circling above you letting out a kakaw every now and then to let you now when you die your flesh will not go to waste. So nice of them to let you know this kakaw we will eat your flesh kakaw you look like a happy meal kakaw. Here are some tips on how to find extra water when your sure you are going to die. All of these have been tried and have worked, sometimes multiple times.



1. Lawn sprinklers, not just for kids to run in when its hot or water to make green grass in a desert but lovely on the lips. Scales on a 1-5. Reliability scale: 2 (most don't water during the middle of the day as you shouldn't so you have to find the sneaky ones who just don't care about the rules, damn the man). Taste: 3 (who knows where this water is coming from and its usually pretty warm). Overall 3 (just because you can also run in it afterwords).

2. Discarded half full water bottles. Now many people like to train on marathon courses and the sane ones also like to run in the morning and do some silly thing called water drops so by the middle of the day plenty to be found. If you are running on a marathon course these bottles are lovely, just don't drink the yellow ones. If night running hold the bottles up to the moon to check for a hint of yellow. If no moon close your eyes and pray to whatever god you want its not a yellow bottle. Reliability 2 (outside of marathon courses and water drops these bottles are a lot less infrequent and cannot be trusted as well either). Taste 2 (almost always piss warm and in the case of the yellow ones probably piss tasting as well). Overall 2 (there is a lot of shame in drinking from someones discarded water bottle but get over that quick buttercup).



3. Knocking on someones door and asking for a drink of water. The first time you do this you will find yourself in a new low of despair so thirsty you aren't afraid to knock on someone's door and beg for a drink. But soon you don't mind because the buzzards won't stop following you. Reliability 4 (lots of houses to be found typically and most sane people are indoors enjoying AC). Taste 4 (the water is lovely with a little shame to wash it down). Overall 4 (yea people look at you weird but man that water is good).

4. Gas Stations. This seems the simplest but a lot of times your route doesn't lead you pass many gas stations. Sure you get a few stares if you have ditched your shirt and look like some crazed lunatic from a bugs bunny cartoon escaping the desert but that water is ice cold and so yummy. Reliability 2 (I just don't seem to plan routes around these places). Taste 5 (that stuff is ice cold and in AC you may not wanna leave the AC). Overall 4 (just for the AC).

5. Water fountains. Unless you are on the trails the city provides these are almost impossible to find and then for some reason they turn them off turn during the winter. We live in the desert not the arctic white north leave us our water gall darn it. Reliability 1 (just too hard to find). Taste 5 (I don't know what it but these are always ice cold and yummy). Overall 2 (great when you can find them).

Until next time don't drink the yellow water.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Rule Number 1 of Marathon training, don't die

Its a blog, at one time everyone had a blog including me, wait I still do have a blog. I just never update it, probably post things people don't care about or do race reports. Well lets change this up a bit, maybe we can stay on this horse for a little bit this time. Last time I posted I was talking about goals and I still haven't met those goals. I might be chasing that darn sub 4 until I am trying to get it running with a walker and beating people out of the way with my cane but gall darn it I never seem to stop chasing it. I have missed triathlons this year after a year of marathon training, you dirty little race that bests me every time I will beat you or die trying, I am giving it one more valiant effort for sub 4 at Saint George marathon even with a coach this time. So next year I will be going back to triathlons but I am chasing that sub 4 one more time, one more round with the devil, one more round of trying to beat it before it beats me.

I got some crazy goals for next year already, yes I will be doing a full ironman be it me doing it solo style on my own using gas stations as aid stations and drinking from sprinklers (so please leave your sprinklers on). The idea being to finally get to do the old full Saint George ironman course which has haunted my dreams or maybe its my nightmares from 2011 to now of always wanting to do it. That or doing a sanctioned course with those weird people who come out and volunteer and cheer us crazies on but it will happen. But for now lets changes this blog up. I am an emotional runner, I run with my heart and not my brain. I run too fast when I shouldn't, I run on days when I shouldn't, I end up lying on the ground taking a nap in the middle of a half marathon sick as a dog with the flu. It's who am I and what I do so lets make this the blog of what not to do.

Running is simple right, you just need a pair of shoes and not even those sometimes some people just run barefoot, and miles of road ahead of you. Lace up and hit the roads, just got off work, let's run. No one likes to wake up to run early, run when you can. Somewhere along the road you caught that rare virus called raceitis. And now deep in its clutches you have signed up for a marathon. A marathon to be held the first week of October which means you gotta train during the summer. I also happen to live on the surface of the sun come July and August its true just ask anyone they will tell you as they cook their scrambled eggs for breakfast on the sidewalks.

So going to the trusty internet I find a plan by some man Called Hal. Hal seems like a trusty name right, I mean that's like a grandpa's name or that cool uncle that sets off fireworks in the street. Good ole Hal. Hal thinks you should run these things called long runs which start at like 10 miles and work its way up to 20 miles. I am starting to trust Hal less and less what kind of lunatic runs 20 miles on a Sunday. Maybe I was wrong that Hal seems like a seedy character after all. Oh well lets do this Hal, wait wasn't the computer from that Kubrik film called Hal, don't let me out a cargo bay door Hal.

At first not too bad I've run four half marathons after all I can do these 15miles heck doing three five mile loops around my house isn't too bad throw a few gatorade on the window sill and some waters and you are good. But man everytime you pass your house and am like crap there is AC in there and my TV isn't 5 or 10 good enough, NO, lets keep doing this. Wait there is my house again, dang it, Hal you suck. Maybe we should try running marathon course, I mean get dropped off and run home then we don't have to pass the house so often and its promises of AC. Hal is saying we need to run 18 miles perfect, Veyo is 18 miles from my house, but I don't wanna run on my birthday on Saturday lets run on Sunday, yea Sunday sounds great. But I don't wanna get up early the day after my birthday lets get up around 8:30 then we are running by 9 or so yea thats a good idea lets do this.

Was that a buzzard? Are buzzards following me? Why is it so hot? When did I run out of water? What is water? Crap I have forgotten the taste of water? I know that buzzard is following me! Why didn't I bring more water? 32 ounces of water should have been enough where did it all go? So hot! So thirsty! We've been running what 4 miles without water now, that's not too bad no one can die from just 4 miles without water right? Only 4 more miles to go? That's what 57 miles without water right? Wait no 4? Crap I can't math anymore? 8 the number is 8 Regis, what do I win? Can I trade my winnings for a glass of water Vanna? Oh my gosh is that a church!?! It's Sunday, they have church on Sunday in August right? I am going into that church its gotta be open. Oh my gosh its open its open wheres the drinking fountain? Don't you judge me you tie wearing freaks I will stick my head in this drinking fountain if I want. Ahhhhhhhhhh. When did I take off my shirt? Who cares WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rule number 1 of marathon training, always bring more water than you need. Especially if for some reason you start running at 9am when the temps are going to be 109 that day, drop that water everywhere pretend you are throwing pokeballs and trying to catch pikachu. Until next time, yes I was that homeless looking shirtless sweaty crazy person that wandered into your church and proceeded to dunk his head in your drinking fountain and lap from it like a dog, no shame in this game.