Monday, June 26, 2017

Marathon training rule 2: Surviving the Treadmill

Why is their a gun in my cup holder of my treadmill? I didn't load it did I? Please tell me I didn't load it! Lets not check maybe I ran out of bullets. Lets take our mind off it somehow. Lets looks to see how long we have been running it must be like 4 or 5 hours by now. 3 minutes, how the heck can it be just 3 minutes. This stupid thing is broken. I bet the gun isn't broken. Stupid treadmill. This must be how hamsters feel. Why isn't their a support group for hamsters and their wheels? Does PETA protest at pet stores the sale of hamster wheels, they should. I am going to write a letter to PETA just after I caress this gun a little. 4 minutes down, six bajillion to go.

Running on the treadmill if you train for a fall marathon almost always becomes an evil necessity. These little horrible torture devices are only slightly better than running outside when its 110 degrees, only slightly. Lately I have become very picky about my treadmill's because not all treadmills or gyms with them or workout rooms are the same. But unless you want to roast to death being followed by vultures until you swallow your pride and knock on someones door and ask for a drink of water you get on one and try and pass the time as best as you can as one treadmill minute is equal to ten running outside. Here is a ranking of treadmills in different environments from worst to best to help you make it a little better.

1. The Hotel treadmill. By far the worse treadmill you can find not because it might be cheap which it typically is or that it was bought in the 1980's which isn't uncommon but because of the room they put it in. Hotel treadmills are found in tiny little rooms with no circulation. Its like a mixture of hot yoga on a treadmill that can be so rickety you think Fred Flintstone once ran on it. Let me paint you a picture you are out of town on business in a seedy little trucking town where outside running doesn't seem like a good idea. You head down to the treadmill alas your training plan calls for speedwork. You don't even bother putting on a shirt because you know two miles in it will weigh 10 pounds so soaked in sweat you will look like you jumped in the pool fully dressed. If you could run fully naked you would but last time you did that the hotel manager had strong words for you. Half way through you have soaked the treadmill where it looks like you were having a water gun fight and all of sudden you slip and almost go off the back of it as the treadmill is so slick with your sweat it has now become a slip and slide. You pause the treadmill and towel it down so you don't die when you start running again. You finish your workout and our glad planes don't let you bring your treadmill gun with you because either you or the treadmill would have got a gap in its arse.

2. The complex treadmill. If you are like me you might live in a complex with a treadmill. Hey free and close to home but just like the hotel treadmill they are in a little room made by the devil, seriously I am sure hell is just a tiny room with no circulation as you run on a treadmill. Only plus sides are is it only a two minute walk back to your house and you can bring your own fan which only makes it slightly better. Or even better yet half way through the run you can hop off the treadmill and say eff this I don't care if its 200 degrees outside I am finishing outside. Unless you make the mistake of texting your coach to say this and he says suck it up buttercup get your ass back on the treadmill and you go stick your head in the kitchen sink than finish the run back on the treadmill to make him proud. But he will never be proud of you but you do it anyways.

3. Gym treadmills. Not all Gym treadmills are built the same. My favorite gym treadmill is on the second floor of the community center with wide open areas and tons of air flow. Its almost like running outside with AC for the airflow. Yea the treadmill is a little rickety and old and one of the treadmills shocks you if you dare put headphones into it to try and watch tv laughing at the fool who thought he could pass the time while on the hamster wheel. But the airflow is amazing, give me that airflow and that hotel treadmill I once ran on that was possessed by the treadmill gremlins and kept speeding up and changing incline for no reason like a bucking bronco trying to throw me off and I'd be happy. The gym treadmill usually has tv or a movie playing and depending on the gym some airflow, but the treadmills aren't well maintained and thousand of people have rode them into the ground. But do remember if someone gets on the treadmill next to you at the gym its a race you must race them and first person to fall off the back or puke loses. Pass the time efficiently.

4. Your home treadmill. You sir are a sick bastard how much did you pay to be able to torture yourself at will in your own home, seek help. Ok seriously with these you can set up 50 fans and get all the airflow you need, set the thermostat to 40 degrees until the kids yell dad we are out of blankets. And the best part is some strange person (me most likely) hasn't sweated on it so much you think they had a supersoaker filled with human sweat with them. You don't have to go anywhere to run and you can run anytime in front of your tv or in a basement surrounded by all your lovely medals from when you got to run outside.

So make friends with the treadmill, make sure the gun is not loaded, and remember if someone is running beside you its a race.

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