Friday, June 23, 2017

Seriously don't die, rule one of marathon training

In rule one of how to survive a marathon we went over an important step hydration and how to avoid buzzards. Before we move onto rule two we really should hit on rule one a little more.

Imagine you are running on the surface of the sun, you thought you brought enough water but your desire to sleep in versus running outside when the temps say 110 is always battling itself. When the alarm so rudely buzzes at like 4 something in the morning when no sane person alive would get up much less get up to run 15-20 miles you turn that little nuisance off. You doze for a few more hours before you finally say well dang it lets get up and try not to die. Somewhere along the way you run out of water and the sun beats down on you and you are pretty sure you are going to die. The vultures and buzzards are following you, circling above you letting out a kakaw every now and then to let you now when you die your flesh will not go to waste. So nice of them to let you know this kakaw we will eat your flesh kakaw you look like a happy meal kakaw. Here are some tips on how to find extra water when your sure you are going to die. All of these have been tried and have worked, sometimes multiple times.

1. Lawn sprinklers, not just for kids to run in when its hot or water to make green grass in a desert but lovely on the lips. Scales on a 1-5. Reliability scale: 2 (most don't water during the middle of the day as you shouldn't so you have to find the sneaky ones who just don't care about the rules, damn the man). Taste: 3 (who knows where this water is coming from and its usually pretty warm). Overall 3 (just because you can also run in it afterwords).

2. Discarded half full water bottles. Now many people like to train on marathon courses and the sane ones also like to run in the morning and do some silly thing called water drops so by the middle of the day plenty to be found. If you are running on a marathon course these bottles are lovely, just don't drink the yellow ones. If night running hold the bottles up to the moon to check for a hint of yellow. If no moon close your eyes and pray to whatever god you want its not a yellow bottle. Reliability 2 (outside of marathon courses and water drops these bottles are a lot less infrequent and cannot be trusted as well either). Taste 2 (almost always piss warm and in the case of the yellow ones probably piss tasting as well). Overall 2 (there is a lot of shame in drinking from someones discarded water bottle but get over that quick buttercup).

3. Knocking on someones door and asking for a drink of water. The first time you do this you will find yourself in a new low of despair so thirsty you aren't afraid to knock on someone's door and beg for a drink. But soon you don't mind because the buzzards won't stop following you. Reliability 4 (lots of houses to be found typically and most sane people are indoors enjoying AC). Taste 4 (the water is lovely with a little shame to wash it down). Overall 4 (yea people look at you weird but man that water is good).

4. Gas Stations. This seems the simplest but a lot of times your route doesn't lead you pass many gas stations. Sure you get a few stares if you have ditched your shirt and look like some crazed lunatic from a bugs bunny cartoon escaping the desert but that water is ice cold and so yummy. Reliability 2 (I just don't seem to plan routes around these places). Taste 5 (that stuff is ice cold and in AC you may not wanna leave the AC). Overall 4 (just for the AC).

5. Water fountains. Unless you are on the trails the city provides these are almost impossible to find and then for some reason they turn them off turn during the winter. We live in the desert not the arctic white north leave us our water gall darn it. Reliability 1 (just too hard to find). Taste 5 (I don't know what it but these are always ice cold and yummy). Overall 2 (great when you can find them).

Until next time don't drink the yellow water.

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